HEADSHOT!
No, this article isn’t about video games, unfortunately. It’s about pain. Horrible, horrible pain.
You see – we’re setting up a signing at Olsson’s Books in Dupont Circle. This makes me very happy. I love Olsson’s. One of my favorite local bookstores. They have great events there – draw big names into their stores and bring in big crowds to support them. I will do anything the staff there asks to get this signing stitched up.
And they asked for a headshot.
I don’t have a headshot. So when April Flores, my lovely publicist over at Random House, wrote me and told me I needed one – I kind of didn’t know how to respond. I sent her some pictures of me. One of me with a bird on my head, one of me gazing lovingly at the camera, and one of me pouring wine. Unfortunately, none of these were headshots by any definition of the word “headshot.” So I had to make an appointment to get real headshots.
Quick question – what’s the most depressing department store in the universe?
That’s right, JC Penny.
And what’s the most depressing department within JC Penny?
That’s right, the Portrait Studio.
For some reason I decided to take the “easy” way out and get my headshots done at the JC Penny Portrait Studio. I set up an appointment and went Friday after work.
Let me tell you about The Springfield Mall. I’ve been to some bad malls in my day – I don’t know what the Albee Square Mall is up to now-a-days but back when I was growing up in Brooklyn that place had: a) An escalator, b) seventeen shoe stores, and c) a Wendy’s. That’s a bad mall. Speaking of Brooklyn – King’s Plaza Mall is not the type of plaza or mall a king would often be found in. And we have the Ballston Mall down here in the district – a great place to buy ornamental axes and novelty pimp gear. And Landmark Mall…oh, Landmark Mall – let’s not even get into that one.
But the Springfield Mall is a whole different kind of pain. The empty corridors, the food court – the clientèle – the merry-go-round with the bunny on it that gives me nightmares. The left-over-trim from stores long gone – like the discount, no-name clothing store with the Wizards of the Coast layout and decorative store front. There are three arcades in that mall by my count and the biggest store, not counting Macy’s, is the As Seen On TV store. It’s huge – they carry everything you’ve ever seen on TV.
Combine The Springfield Mall with a JC Penny Portrait Studio and you have the worst way to spend two-and-a-half hours.
After being told it’ll be a twenty minute wait for my pictures I made my way to the food court and got a burger from Checkers. I’ve never eaten at a Checkers before but, you know, when in Rome…
I slowly ate my sandwich, figuring the twenty-minute estimated wait time was optimistic considering there were three families in front of me lining up for baby pictures. Boy was I right. I waited two hours to get my pictures taken – a process that took about five minutes. The girl taking the pictures was new – she was real nice but I didn’t feel like I was getting headshots – I felt like I was taking elementary school portraits. Every picture had my body at a 45-degree angle and my head facing forward.
Also, I’m not a good smiler. I can’t smile. The girl took her first picture of me and I said, “I have to tell you – I can’t smile. You have to make me laugh.” I needed to joke around and pretend I wasn’t taking headshots. Because I seriously can’t smile. I can laugh. I can’t smile. Look through my Flickr account if you don’t believe me.
Anyway – I see B&W thumbnails of the pictures and pick out the two best ones. I drive home and show Robin the thumbs and the ones I picked to which she says, “Did you wear a white shirt with a white background?”
I snatched the sheet out of her hands to verify that I did, indeed, spend two-and-a-half hours taking pictures that are going to look downright stupid when they’re developed. I’ll look like a floating head. They will, literally, be headshots.
So now I need to get new ones. Luckily for me, Noel Tuazon came through (like he always does) and made me these:
You see – we’re setting up a signing at Olsson’s Books in Dupont Circle. This makes me very happy. I love Olsson’s. One of my favorite local bookstores. They have great events there – draw big names into their stores and bring in big crowds to support them. I will do anything the staff there asks to get this signing stitched up.
And they asked for a headshot.
I don’t have a headshot. So when April Flores, my lovely publicist over at Random House, wrote me and told me I needed one – I kind of didn’t know how to respond. I sent her some pictures of me. One of me with a bird on my head, one of me gazing lovingly at the camera, and one of me pouring wine. Unfortunately, none of these were headshots by any definition of the word “headshot.” So I had to make an appointment to get real headshots.
Quick question – what’s the most depressing department store in the universe?
That’s right, JC Penny.
And what’s the most depressing department within JC Penny?
That’s right, the Portrait Studio.
For some reason I decided to take the “easy” way out and get my headshots done at the JC Penny Portrait Studio. I set up an appointment and went Friday after work.
Let me tell you about The Springfield Mall. I’ve been to some bad malls in my day – I don’t know what the Albee Square Mall is up to now-a-days but back when I was growing up in Brooklyn that place had: a) An escalator, b) seventeen shoe stores, and c) a Wendy’s. That’s a bad mall. Speaking of Brooklyn – King’s Plaza Mall is not the type of plaza or mall a king would often be found in. And we have the Ballston Mall down here in the district – a great place to buy ornamental axes and novelty pimp gear. And Landmark Mall…oh, Landmark Mall – let’s not even get into that one.
But the Springfield Mall is a whole different kind of pain. The empty corridors, the food court – the clientèle – the merry-go-round with the bunny on it that gives me nightmares. The left-over-trim from stores long gone – like the discount, no-name clothing store with the Wizards of the Coast layout and decorative store front. There are three arcades in that mall by my count and the biggest store, not counting Macy’s, is the As Seen On TV store. It’s huge – they carry everything you’ve ever seen on TV.
Combine The Springfield Mall with a JC Penny Portrait Studio and you have the worst way to spend two-and-a-half hours. After being told it’ll be a twenty minute wait for my pictures I made my way to the food court and got a burger from Checkers. I’ve never eaten at a Checkers before but, you know, when in Rome…
I slowly ate my sandwich, figuring the twenty-minute estimated wait time was optimistic considering there were three families in front of me lining up for baby pictures. Boy was I right. I waited two hours to get my pictures taken – a process that took about five minutes. The girl taking the pictures was new – she was real nice but I didn’t feel like I was getting headshots – I felt like I was taking elementary school portraits. Every picture had my body at a 45-degree angle and my head facing forward.
Also, I’m not a good smiler. I can’t smile. The girl took her first picture of me and I said, “I have to tell you – I can’t smile. You have to make me laugh.” I needed to joke around and pretend I wasn’t taking headshots. Because I seriously can’t smile. I can laugh. I can’t smile. Look through my Flickr account if you don’t believe me.
Anyway – I see B&W thumbnails of the pictures and pick out the two best ones. I drive home and show Robin the thumbs and the ones I picked to which she says, “Did you wear a white shirt with a white background?”
I snatched the sheet out of her hands to verify that I did, indeed, spend two-and-a-half hours taking pictures that are going to look downright stupid when they’re developed. I’ll look like a floating head. They will, literally, be headshots.
So now I need to get new ones. Luckily for me, Noel Tuazon came through (like he always does) and made me these: